Punishment in the Abyss of Self Hate is the latest release from Nihilistium a focused and extreme record full of raw experimental black metal and a step further into the darkness of music that comes from Mortemiis “I’m still the only member in Nihilistium. I want to start a new project with a full band, but I think Nihilistium will always be my solo project”.
Trigger Warning – Adult Concepts within. Here in her own words track by track, Punishment in the Abyss of Self Hate
Lies and Betrayal?
“Basically, a song about the many times I’ve completely lost trust in people in the past who I loved, people who I cared about. In the end I found out they were pretending to like me, pretending to be a friend. They were backstabbers, so I used the memories of all that to write a new song.”
Do you feel that someone could misinterpret your lyrics?
“I don’t often post the lyrics to anywhere, but if I did, the reader would either think ‘damn this is deep’ or get the wrong fucking idea like ‘why is this teenage girl writing songs about suicide? Is she advocating it?’.
Let me tell you that’s not the case.”
Left Arm Path?
“It’s a song about being on the edge of self-destruction to the point of nearly fucking dying. I don’t often cut myself but if I do, it’s not because I’m bored, but because I feel like I’ve done something unforgivable and that I have to be punished for it. I will admit I really like the taste of blood though.”
DSBM is often confused as a negative but it is not? Is It more honest than provocative?
“I’m not trying to evoke feelings of emptiness and sadness in the listener. There are some things in my lyrics that I cannot say to people in real life, confessions and things that are going on in my head I’m afraid to tell anyone about... Overall I think my music is 90% honesty and 10% provocative ‘shock’ imagery/lyrics.”
the re-recording of Perishing Hope?
“I changed the sound of some of the guitars on the amps, my vocals are not so high pitched, but I still sound like a fucking banshee. I have showed the lyrics to some people and posted them on the Metal Archives (Encyclopaedia Metallum). Some people think that song is pretty fucking deep. It’s like one of my innermost thoughts, a feeling of pure emptiness.”
DSBM is often mistakenly interpreted as evil, yet it is not?
“I don’t think DSBM is evil, but I see it as a method used by many other people to tackle the mental terror they live in as well as real life issues. So, I might describe the subgenre as ‘desperate’ or whatever.”
Do you allow your beliefs to influence your music?
“Political beliefs? No. Spiritual beliefs? I do write about occult practices, paganism, witchcraft, and anti-religion. People may say that cursing isn’t real, but I believe otherwise. One of my latest songs I’ve written is a dark prayer for death. No, I’m not praying for my own death to come soon, it’s a wish for death to be upon a certain someone who I knew in the past (no names mentioned)”.
An Endless Search for Faith to Cling To. Does this continue from Perishing Hope?
“Sort of, but not entirely. I was raised in a religious family and its technically a song about losing faith in humanity and confusion. Over the years, I’ve been hearing so many different things about different beliefs and it’s all very hard for me to process all at once, I mean, Muslims will say one thing, Christians will say another thing, Buddhists will say the opposite and all that shit, I’ve just come to the decision that I am probably just confused. I have no choice but to see where life takes me.”
The biggest misconception about you and your music?
“There’s a rumour going around my area that by making this music and the kind if imagery I use, people I’m trying to get the audience to kill themselves. I’ll tell you the truth, that’s the absolute fucking opposite of my intent. By creating this music, I have another reason to not kill myself, as for the listener(s) who might be in distress, I want them to listen to my music and potentially be the reason why they did not choose to end their lives.“
Manipulation Put me in a Mental Hospital.
“It’s a song about inferiority, being belittled by some people. It tells a story of heartbreak, grief, and the time I almost cut an artery after attempting suicide (the second time in my life) and was put into a hospital. I was safe in the end, and I was also put into a psychiatric ward in a different hospital. I was in so much distress, misery and I was so insecure, I felt worthless to everyone and everything. But these days I am more confident in myself, I know I’m not completely fucking useless, but I still go through a lot of stressful situations and that’s why I still make this music.”
Does DSBM have a positive impact on your personality and state of mind?
“I think it’s something to live for, It’s a reason why I’m still alive. It’s a coping method, a substitute for harming myself to the point of nearly dying. I know I portray suicidal tendencies (not referring to the band) and provocative imagery, but just acknowledge that I don’t really do much of that stuff in reality. It’s all like a clear image of the thoughts I have.”
the mental health aspect of your music- Is it a cathartic response to your environment?
“Yes. It relieves a lot of anger and mental tension. A lot of the lyrics are about anxiety. I feel that I’ve somehow achieved something but also gotten rid of a load of shit on my mind at the same time, until the next albums come out...”
is your music the result of people not being aware of what is going on around you?
“Maybe... people misunderstanding what kind of shit goes on in my mind. But I think my music (mainly the depressive stuff) is a result of musical passion mixed with mental illness, personal thoughts and my deepest fears...”
the decision to cover Xasthur” Walker of Dissonant Worlds”. do you share/ feel a connection?
“Kind of... I think he put a lot of his inner emotions in his songs, some of them really depressing and misery-evoking, some of his instrumental stuff is actually sort of eerie and not something I’d listen to if I was walking through Aokigahara Forest in Japan at night. I want to try and create more instrumental tracks that will send a gentle chill down the listener’s spine but also be emotional at the same time. It’s like we have the ability to put an image in the mind of the listener and make them feel like they’re on an emotional journey full of release, tension, anxieties and one’s personal stories of tragedy. Xasthur is a huge inspiration for me!”
So, what's next for you?
“Aggressive music. Traditional raw black metal, less depressive stuff. Material that sounds as if Satanic Warmaster wrote it! Get ready for the next album, ‘Evocation of The Reaper’s Bane’. Nihilistium is about to be reborn!”