Nihilistium -"Exists for the sake of my own sanity"
The following article discusses self-harm and suicide with honesty and candour. If you find these subjects upsetting or distressing please read no further.
“Everything in Nihilistium’s music and imagery is an expression of my anguish and internal turmoil.”
“I formed the project because I have always wanted to make music. Nihilistium is an outlet for my deepest emotions that can be translated into sounds. Nihilistium exists for the sake of my own sanity.”
DSBM is an entity unto itself. Formed from the raw visceral sounds and energy of the of the low fi era of European Black Metal that would go on to redefine extreme music in the early 1990’s. Its subject matter and lyrical content however is very different. It can be raw and ugly, yet painfully beautiful, the literal musical expression of individuals raw depressive emotions. It is secular and extreme, atmospheric and intentional. Depressive Suicidal Black Metal (DSBM) is confronting and brutal. It challenges you and not in the traditional reactionary sense. It’s psychological, anxious and fractious. It’s a style that requires a deeper understanding and is so very personal that it cannot be ignored.
Nihilistium is the one woman project of Mortemiis. Her music is much more than one dimensional bleakness. The beauty of her compositions draws you in; let you glimpse an artist that represents the next wave of the genre
What drew you to the DSBM genre and what does it mean to you?
“Pain and grief is what brought me to the genre. I wanted to know if there were any other metal musicians out there who have felt the same shit I’ve felt. I admit, I was not disappointed. DSBM is not a genre that I use to tell innocent people to kill themselves; it is simply a way of dealing with memories of the past, and shouting back at the voices in my head. Many of them tell me that I should kill myself soon”.
How do you think it was formed?
“If you’re talking about how Nihilistium was formed, I’ve had to deal with a few heartbreaks and abuse, and because of the immense pain in my heart, I wanted to run away somewhere and just scream. I think it’s somehow relieving to scream when you’ve had your soul fucking torn apart.”
Is it the only possible outlet for your music?
“Maybe.. There are somethings in my lyrics that I am actually afraid of confessing in reality. I just don’t see any other fucking ways of coping with the shit I feel on a daily basis.”
It is a very secular style. You are not in this for sales.
“Of course not. As I said earlier, I make these songs for the sake of my own sanity and because I just generally love metal. I honestly don’t give a fuck about money.”
Not too many people are aware of DSBM. Is it a large community? How involved are you?
“It’s not a particularly big community, but I think I, myself and the rest of the people involved in DSBM are one big group of people who try to make the feelings of sorrow, hopelessness and heartache into sounds that can physically be heard. There is much more to pain than what meets the eye.”
You have been very busy since your initial release in 2019. Does the signwriting come easily to you or is it a drawn out complex process?
“All my albums and the songs come from my heart and my deepest and darkest feelings. I want my material and portrayal to be as real as possible.”
Lyrically and thematically Nihilistium touches on depression, trauma, suicide, and loneliness. These are all intensely personal for you – they are based on experience?
“My music and DSBM is very personal to me. And yes, most of my songs talk about experience. I honestly wanted to fucking kill myself at the age of 8, and attempted suicide at 12. But then I discovered DSBM. If Depressive Black Metal and Black Metal itself didn’t exist, I would not have lived to this day.”
Is music the only way in which you can release all these emotions to a world that possibly doesn’t hear anyone anymore?
“I honestly don’t care if people hear me or not. I’m not here for fame and fortune, I’m here to stop myself from going completely insane to the point of having my family suffering and worrying about my mental state”.
What are the biggest misconception of you and your music?
“That’s pretty easy to answer. Judgemental people always seem to think that I’m making this black metal music as a form of worshiping Satan and that I want to urinate on graves of catholic priests. Truth is, I don’t want to harm anyone or anything, and I’m not a Satanist, I am Pagan. Big fucking difference.”
And the world around you?
“The world is full of confusing doctrines, hypocrisy, shit and lies. Then there’s people like me; the lost souls with a rebellious spirit. I observe the attitude of stone hearted people to make sure that I never become one of them.”
DSBM is obviously not a trend but a lifestyle choice. Or was it not? Did it find you? Is it all consuming?
“I guess it’s safe to say that I found DSBM. I have been through some truly awful shit and I wanted to look for sad music as I think it calms my lonely soul. It’s like someone else out there has also felt my pain.”
Self-harm and cutting plays a large role in the community. Are you involved in this side? Is this a cathartic release and or a literal physical representation of your pain?
“I have harmed myself in the past, and yes, it felt good to release some blood from my veins, but I don’t tend to cut these days, partly because I don’t want infections and also my family don’t like to see me hurt. I’d hate for them to suffer because of my suffering.”
Are you able to separate Mortemiis from everyday life?
“Mörtemiis is simply just a name I want to identify as. It is not the name of a certain persona, but the name I have created for myself, a name that has never been heard before. Friends in college even call me Mörtemiis!.”
Is there any room for light or is it all prevailing darkness?
“My music, imagery and portrayal is made up of completely suicidal darkness, however, outside of DSBM, I might have quite a peaceful and colourful soul.”
Who are your inspirations and influences in Nihilistium?
“Xasthur, Depressive Years and Burzum were some influential bands, but I gotta say Valefor is the biggest influence, especially with the vocals.”
Does being a ‘one person’ project allow you the complete freedom to express yourself any way you feel?
“Obvious answer, yes. I’m kind of glad that I don’t have to deal with dickheads who reject my ideas and turn the whole project into something else which I never intended.”
You have covered Araxas and Burzum. Are these personal favourites?
“I’m not a huge fan of Burzum, but I do like Varg’s music. Araxas is one of my favourites. I really like the atmosphere in the sound. It puts me in some kind of melancholic trance.”
Has "normal black metal” become too commercial?
“Some of my fans do say that the majority of my music is better than 90% of the commercial shit that’s out there. I think a lot of people try to create black metal only for money and attention. I don’t. I’m here because I love metal.”
When you see someone in public with a Burzum shirt, do you see a kindred spirit? or...
“That depends.. Are they wearing the shirt because they listen to the band or are they wearing the shirt as a bloody fashion statement? You can never be 100% sure, so in public, I just shut my mouth.”
Does the UK scene differ from the European, or do you not associate with it?
“I don’t give a fuck about a band’s nationality. Personally I’d say British black metal isn’t as good as Scandinavian black metal, but hey, we gotta try n’ make something of it.”
What is in store for Nihilistium? Any future releases?
“Probably just more and more pain.. Maybe some acoustic and folk music? I’m not really sure. I want to try and bring back the sound and spirit of mid- 90s black metal, raw and evil is the way I like it.”
Will you allow anyone else into your circle musically with the possibility of playing live?
“Yes! It is one of my dreams to play live! I plan on forming a doom metal project soon with a new drummer too. But Nihilistium is just my own, personal project, so I will always be the only member in that.”
What was the last great book you read and film you saw?
“I am currently reading some books on occultism and witchcraft as it is something I practice. The best film I have seen (so far) is Ouija.”
Your top six albums of all time:
“1: Hatebreeder by Children of Bodom
2: Fimbulwinter by Satanic Warmaster
3: Hellfire by 1349
4: Feeding The Abyss by The Funeral Orchestra
5: Diabolus In Musica by Slayer
6: Like Gods of The Sun by My Dying Bride .”
“Fuck the world, Fuck the people in it and fuck their shitty opinions. I wasn’t born for pleasing everyone. And hail Odin”.
if you need to talk to anyone ;
New Zealand: Australia
0800 543 354 Lifeline New Zealand Lifeline Australia 131114
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week Beyond Blue 1300224636
Depression.org.nz Kids helpline 1800551800
USA- 1-800-273-8255 UK- http://www.suicideapuk.co.uk/
INDIA-022 2754 6669